Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
