I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize