Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
