I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
