thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
