I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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