I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
