got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
