bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
