I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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