she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
