the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
