i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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