Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
