My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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