Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
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