did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
