I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
