I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
