Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
