I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
