my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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