This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize