i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I am midnight drunk by noon
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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