So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
