just tell him i said nine months
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
We left the knife in your bed.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Drake has all the answers
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
