I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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