apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
