I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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