when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
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