My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
