You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
