The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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