9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
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