I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize