I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
