In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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