I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
