1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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