that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
