Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
