I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
