She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize