Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
