my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
