Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
