Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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