i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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