and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
