I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
