i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Randomize
