Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
