When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
