Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
