I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
