how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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